So, on June 7th I have a guest blog post appearing over at http://novelspaces.blogspot.com/

I won’t get too spoilery, but in it I talk about questions that people often ask authors and writers.

As an extension of that, I have a few stock answers that you may feel free to use in the event that you, writer, are asked an uncomfortable writing question.

(These are not serious, by the way. I’m pretty sure following this template will guarantee that people stop asking, though, if that’s your goal.)

Q: How many books did you sell?

A: A bunch. OMG! DO YOU SEE WHAT THAT SQUIRREL IS DOING TO THE STUFFED PANDA IN AISLE SIX?

Q: Is that really how you have sex?

A: Stop trying to flirt with me!

Q: What do you wear when you do your writing?

A: Seriously, stop trying to flirt with me! Your spouse is right there. Also it’s not very sexy. *coughmumbles Union suit.*

Q: Could you write me into your story? Especially into a steamy sex scene?

A: Oh, you mean like where you get chopped up and steam-cooked with rice and vegetables? Like that? Wow. That’s weird. Are you sure you’re okay?

Q: Do you know James Patterson?

A: Are you talking about your sock puppet friends again?

Q: Did you finish writing that book yet? What’s taking so long?

A: Well, it needs to make sense when it’s finished, so there is that.

Q: So that scene in your book… That’s about me, isn’t it?

A: Um, no. And stop it.

Q: Also, how are sales? When are you going to see some money from this?

A: As soon as you wave some in front of my face and buy this copy I happen to have right here.

Q: Do you have a deadline?

A: *looks at watch* Shouldn’t you be at work?

Q: Soooo, how DO you pay the bills?

A: On time.

Q: Have you published anything lately?

A: IF YOU REALLY CARED YOU WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT! *runs away crying*